[Oh boy. Dimitri. My dude. Jason is grimacing, but mostly because these feelings are not bewildering or... so out there he can't relate. Whew. You can fit so much trauma in these bad boys!
He reaches out to gently and reassuringly squeeze Dimitri's shoulder for a moment. What do you say after that?]
War for the man actually on the battlefield is terrible. [Jason understands that much.] ...I've never been in the army, but I have been in a gang. Surprisingly not very different approaches.
I've... also been with some assassins. A group of them; they have their own little league. I've been there. Loving the death of someone else, being a tool for bigger ideals.
[ He tenses stiffly. He's practiced and able to smother down visions of Duscur, but this is different. There's a moment where it's not clear he's listening, the heels of his palms against his eyes.
Eventually, ]
...I'm sorry. It is nothing I want anyone to relate to.
[ He's pretty unhappy that Jason knows what it's like. He's not pleased that the tables have turned on him like this. ]
But I was not manipulated. [ If Jason were used as a tool, taken advantage of—then he can be forgiven. He was so young when he was hurt so grievously. ] I will never be able to undo that day, or any of my other sins. I have never grown out of being that person. [ His skin is cold, because above all else, this is what scares the wits out of him. ]
I wasn’t. Not really. I stayed because I wanted to be stronger. To belong. I left because I realized they didn’t want the same justice I wanted.
[His lips thin, but his expression is is more gentle.]
You won’t. [Jason isn’t going to pretend like this isn’t true, or offer platitudes.] You can’t undo what’s already been done.
But I think you’re wrong about the other part. I think you can grow out of being that person. I think you’re already trying. You would have already killed someone here if that wasn’t true. Right? Have you killed anyone here yet?
[ imagine how funny it'd be if dimitri was like actually i killed alphinaud
He does appreciate that Jason doesn't bother trying to appeal to the past. It's done, and it's over. Mistakes don't undo themselves. ]
Not this time, and not yet. But I... killed Shinobu once before. [ ... ] Can someone decent grow out of a monstrous core? How do you learn to temper your own thoughts, when they can go so very dark?
[ He doesn't expect answers to those, really. He glances over. ] What is the justice you want?
[STOP it’d be just as funny having to tag back this thread if we find out you killer someone this week.
He wants to tell Dimitri a decent person can, but he knows there is a nuance to this.] If the person is willing to try, sure. Isn’t much different that a monster growing out of a good core. [He lifts his eyes to Dimitri, then glances away.]
First of all: you don’t. I can’t make myself not have dark and angry thoughts, but… I can keep them from consuming me. By… surrounding myself with better people, people who can keep me grounded. Who give a shit, but who will call me out if I need it.
[He does not say friends and family, but that.]
Getting rid of the people who hurt others without remorse or thought is my justice. The ones who get off on playing sick games with innocent people. I kill them. If I can help their victims feel safer because they don’t have to worry about some bastard being out there, alive, waiting, getting to live, then I’ve done what I’m supposed to do.
[ relying on friends and family... who does that? they're the ones relying on him. maybe jason is right, and it's more about managing anger than denying it entirely, but he clearly struggles with the idea. ]
Given your history, I can see where your conviction comes from. [ he says so softly. there's not really any judgement in his tone, because he would do the same. ] Part of me believes... that there are people who only need the opportunity to be good. To live to their best potential. But there is no turning a blind eye to those that delight in the suffering of others and hurt innocent people for personal gain.
[ he takes a deep breath then, slightly shaky until it's all exhaled out. ] It infuriates me. If I found the people who killed my family, I would rend them limb from limb—they would find no quarter while I still draw breath. But... that same impulse to cause harm frightens me, too.
[That is, like, the most Bruce Wayne thing Dimitri could have said to them. He shoves him off the seat (no).
At the sigh, he reaches up to squeeze Dimitri's shoulder reassuringly. He frowns in a knowing way.]
You sound like B. The one I had been waiting on. [He hesitates. It wouldn't be hard to link Bruce to Batman this way, but he thinks--here, what's going to matter. To Dimitri?] Someone killed his family, too, in the streets outside a theater. A thief. He watched it happen. They shot his parents and left him alive. He was... I don't know, eight or nine.
He told me he was angry for a long time. He didn't think about anything but finding and hurting the person who did it. It's why he started doing what he does. He said every day he plays a risky game, wondering when he'll go too far past his morals. When he'll kill someone. He said it's hard. He told me... after what the Joker did to me, it was the hardest. There are a lot of times he wants to do it, but he thinks he can't.
[ time for him to spread bruce's secret identity everywhere
Being compared to the guy who Jason had hoped would save him in his last moments is a little sombering. It does all sound very familiar though, enough that his lashes flutter briefly, affected. ]
I do not think he's wrong. One must cross a line to take a life, and there is no walking back.
[ Making the decision to kill, particularly in anger... people can raise whatever banner they want, but it doesn't make it good or noble. At his core, he thinks Bruce is right. He continues though, straightening up a little. ]
Even so, there are people that must answer for their crimes. As someone who has already spilled blood—and as a king who must act as a blade for his people—I would sooner kill them than leave the task to someone else. I would see someone put to the sword before they are left to run rampant against innocent people.
...I would have killed that man for doing that to you. [ He would've made it hurt. ] And it is that nature that will likely drive me too far, some day.
[Listen to Dimitri... kinning and validating Batman. Tch.
Jason just watches him, listening, finding this conversation very familiar. Slowly, he looks away finally with his eyes at the last part. A long time ago, he would have begged to hear Bruce say those words to him. But Bruce never would.]
Is it really so scary, being someone like me? [He doesn't really ask it hoping for Dimitri to answer.] Don't worry. That's what I'm here for. So Bruce doesn't have to get his hands dirty.
And I'm sure you have someone you know who would probably do the same for you.
[ He looks a little surprised, though it fades into something somber. ]
...I do. But I would rather handle it myself.
[ It has to be done, and it feels wrong to shunt the responsibility onto someone else. Because it does hurt, and it does scare him, and that's precisely why he should be the one to do it. ]
I do not think you're frightening though, Jason. [ He reaches up, resting his hand carefully atop Jason's own, grateful. ] Justice is... subjective. Easily twisted. But mine is not so different from yours, I think.
And I believe only a good person can do what you do without going too far. [ Someone a little worse than Jason would be killing people for any perceived crime. ] Though it must take its toll on you.
I think trying to handle it alone will make you more likely to cross the line.
[He's just saying. Can he talk? Not really, not when he does what he does. But from being around Bruce, listening to Bruce. The man would find it amusing he's giving this kind of advice to someone else.
He glances down at Dimitri's hand, but doesn't shake it off. He looks away instead.]
I only kill the worst, so it doesn't bother me as much as you think. People like that don't deserve to breathe or live.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He reaches out to gently and reassuringly squeeze Dimitri's shoulder for a moment. What do you say after that?]
War for the man actually on the battlefield is terrible. [Jason understands that much.] ...I've never been in the army, but I have been in a gang. Surprisingly not very different approaches.
I've... also been with some assassins. A group of them; they have their own little league. I've been there. Loving the death of someone else, being a tool for bigger ideals.
no subject
Eventually, ]
...I'm sorry. It is nothing I want anyone to relate to.
[ He's pretty unhappy that Jason knows what it's like. He's not pleased that the tables have turned on him like this. ]
But I was not manipulated. [ If Jason were used as a tool, taken advantage of—then he can be forgiven. He was so young when he was hurt so grievously. ] I will never be able to undo that day, or any of my other sins. I have never grown out of being that person. [ His skin is cold, because above all else, this is what scares the wits out of him. ]
no subject
[His lips thin, but his expression is is more gentle.]
You won’t. [Jason isn’t going to pretend like this isn’t true, or offer platitudes.] You can’t undo what’s already been done.
But I think you’re wrong about the other part. I think you can grow out of being that person. I think you’re already trying. You would have already killed someone here if that wasn’t true. Right? Have you killed anyone here yet?
no subject
He does appreciate that Jason doesn't bother trying to appeal to the past. It's done, and it's over. Mistakes don't undo themselves. ]
Not this time, and not yet. But I... killed Shinobu once before. [ ... ] Can someone decent grow out of a monstrous core? How do you learn to temper your own thoughts, when they can go so very dark?
[ He doesn't expect answers to those, really. He glances over. ] What is the justice you want?
no subject
He wants to tell Dimitri a decent person can, but he knows there is a nuance to this.] If the person is willing to try, sure. Isn’t much different that a monster growing out of a good core. [He lifts his eyes to Dimitri, then glances away.]
First of all: you don’t. I can’t make myself not have dark and angry thoughts, but… I can keep them from consuming me. By… surrounding myself with better people, people who can keep me grounded. Who give a shit, but who will call me out if I need it.
[He does not say friends and family, but that.]
Getting rid of the people who hurt others without remorse or thought is my justice. The ones who get off on playing sick games with innocent people. I kill them. If I can help their victims feel safer because they don’t have to worry about some bastard being out there, alive, waiting, getting to live, then I’ve done what I’m supposed to do.
no subject
Given your history, I can see where your conviction comes from. [ he says so softly. there's not really any judgement in his tone, because he would do the same. ] Part of me believes... that there are people who only need the opportunity to be good. To live to their best potential. But there is no turning a blind eye to those that delight in the suffering of others and hurt innocent people for personal gain.
[ he takes a deep breath then, slightly shaky until it's all exhaled out. ] It infuriates me. If I found the people who killed my family, I would rend them limb from limb—they would find no quarter while I still draw breath. But... that same impulse to cause harm frightens me, too.
It all just seems an impossible balance.
no subject
At the sigh, he reaches up to squeeze Dimitri's shoulder reassuringly. He frowns in a knowing way.]
You sound like B. The one I had been waiting on. [He hesitates. It wouldn't be hard to link Bruce to Batman this way, but he thinks--here, what's going to matter. To Dimitri?] Someone killed his family, too, in the streets outside a theater. A thief. He watched it happen. They shot his parents and left him alive. He was... I don't know, eight or nine.
He told me he was angry for a long time. He didn't think about anything but finding and hurting the person who did it. It's why he started doing what he does. He said every day he plays a risky game, wondering when he'll go too far past his morals. When he'll kill someone. He said it's hard. He told me... after what the Joker did to me, it was the hardest. There are a lot of times he wants to do it, but he thinks he can't.
He thinks it makes you no better than them.
no subject
Being compared to the guy who Jason had hoped would save him in his last moments is a little sombering. It does all sound very familiar though, enough that his lashes flutter briefly, affected. ]
I do not think he's wrong. One must cross a line to take a life, and there is no walking back.
[ Making the decision to kill, particularly in anger... people can raise whatever banner they want, but it doesn't make it good or noble. At his core, he thinks Bruce is right. He continues though, straightening up a little. ]
Even so, there are people that must answer for their crimes. As someone who has already spilled blood—and as a king who must act as a blade for his people—I would sooner kill them than leave the task to someone else. I would see someone put to the sword before they are left to run rampant against innocent people.
...I would have killed that man for doing that to you. [ He would've made it hurt. ] And it is that nature that will likely drive me too far, some day.
no subject
Jason just watches him, listening, finding this conversation very familiar. Slowly, he looks away finally with his eyes at the last part. A long time ago, he would have begged to hear Bruce say those words to him. But Bruce never would.]
Is it really so scary, being someone like me? [He doesn't really ask it hoping for Dimitri to answer.] Don't worry. That's what I'm here for. So Bruce doesn't have to get his hands dirty.
And I'm sure you have someone you know who would probably do the same for you.
no subject
...I do. But I would rather handle it myself.
[ It has to be done, and it feels wrong to shunt the responsibility onto someone else. Because it does hurt, and it does scare him, and that's precisely why he should be the one to do it. ]
I do not think you're frightening though, Jason. [ He reaches up, resting his hand carefully atop Jason's own, grateful. ] Justice is... subjective. Easily twisted. But mine is not so different from yours, I think.
And I believe only a good person can do what you do without going too far. [ Someone a little worse than Jason would be killing people for any perceived crime. ] Though it must take its toll on you.
no subject
[He's just saying. Can he talk? Not really, not when he does what he does. But from being around Bruce, listening to Bruce. The man would find it amusing he's giving this kind of advice to someone else.
He glances down at Dimitri's hand, but doesn't shake it off. He looks away instead.]
I only kill the worst, so it doesn't bother me as much as you think. People like that don't deserve to breathe or live.